What I need:
Mobile internet device.

Requirements:
Has to connect fast.
Must be able to allow me to use it without frustrating me.
Must be able to open Excel.
Must have long battery life.

What frustrates me:
Small screen drives me nuts.
Cannot text using touchscreen keypad.

If phone, solution may ideally have slide-out keyboard.

If full touchscreen, screen must be big so that the software keyboard is big too.

Options:
iPad 2 with 3G
cons: expensive

Future love:
Windows 8 - can write javascript on this, also C#.

Would be fantastic if you can play Granado Espada on a tablet.

Constraints:
Battery life - 3G or 4G with graphics card running, and then the big screen, drains battery life.

How to be a eunuch:
Cut balls
Eat papaya
Pray
Ask for help when you're horny